I always want the first to be special. The first page of a new notebook. The first post on a new social media account. The first adornment of a new outfit. The first post of a blog.
My expectations for the first, my need for the first attempt, first try, first effort to be meaningful and poignant, setting the tone for everything else, has held me back countless times. It has left me with dozens of blank journals, unopened stationary supplies, brand new clothes with the tags still on hanging in the closet for years. It has killed the whole beautiful potential of the entire tree by choking the seed.
My need for the first of anything and everything to be significant, I do declare, shall not hold me back anymore. It’s better to spit on the first page, wear the new dress on an ordinary day, and make an insignificant social media post, than to let the potential of an entire medium or experience be completely squandered out of fear of the imperfect first.
My personal history shows that my neurosis surrounding the first of anything leads always to the inevitable abandonment of the entire endeavor. I experience imaginary failure before even beginning, which ironically causes the whole thing to actually fail. The stress of needing this first post to be good, relevant, potent, magical, and life-changing has prevented me already from posting numerous poems, musings, and akashic transmissions. So in service to myself, the magic, the practice, and to you, let the first post be here. Let it be seen, in all of its insignificant glory, as a signifier of the conscious decision to stop holding back and to try to instead be generous.
May the first be insignificant, so the rest have a chance to be.